Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Body vs Me?

I feel as if my body is fighting me. Like literally wrestling me, pinning me to the ground, and the umpire always gets to 10.
There seems to be none of this two steps forward, one step back BS. I feel like I am taking zero steps forward, and then every so often my body sucker punches me back ten steps. Ok, that might be an over-exaggeration but I am sure the frustration level would still be the same if it was that drastic.

I am frustrated.

There. I said it. Sometimes you can't be up-beat and positive, and today is one of those days when my cup is empty. I have been battling with my knees for a couple of years now and that makes exercise a pain in the bum. There are days when it hurts to walk, and then there are days that they feel fine. I can jump around in a combat class one evening, and wake up fine; other days I can have done a bit of walking around campus and be woken up by the pain. WTF man?! I have had X-ray's and MRI's done in the past week and nothing came up on them which, on one hand is great as it means there is no structural damage, but on the other, it is so unbelievably frustrating. I like to have a problem to solve but this isn't one of them. I did physical therapy for 4 months while I was in America last year, and that barely did anything. Now, I am heading back to the physio again. I am hoping and crossing both my fingers and toes that maybe this time something will come of it.

When you have PCOS and know that the one thing you can do about it, the one thing you can gain some semblance of control over, is diet and exercise. I love to work-out, get sweaty, lift weights, the whole enchilada, so when my body prevents me from doing this, it feels like a failure. Yet again, my body is fighting me on two fronts; joints and organs. Cue me feeling frustrated and reaching for the nearest Bounty or packet of maltesers. I'm aware these aren't Paleo...

While I was at the gym today, I could feel the tears starting. Yep, I have been that idiot who cries while working-out before, and today I almost did it again. For the past couple of days my shoulder has been giving me some discomfort and it has been preventing me doing my already-adapted-to-suit-my-old-lady-knees-though-I-am-only-21-routine. The eyes were welling up and all those other problems that are in your life right now join in on the fun; my body is determined to make me cry.

Then I paused. Maybe my body isn't fighting me. Maybe I am fighting my body. They are similar, but definitely not the same. I should be doing more listening, and less pushing. Why did I go to the gym when I knew my shoulder was hurting me? That is setting me up for a mental and physical failure. My body was telling me to rest and I ignored it because I had to burn those calories. Rest has always felt like a failure, and thoughts of failure lead to eating foods that I shouldn't be eating, which leads to failure on the weight side, which leads to failure at the gym...and so the cycle continues. Therefore my goal 

I think I need to spend some time listening. I have proved to be very good at overriding my body and that is why we are in this constant push and pull relationship. I have taken my body doing this as it telling me "This is as good as you are going to get. Ha." when actually it could be saying "You will be better. But this won't happen tomorrow."

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