Body vs Me?

I feel as if my body is fighting me. Like literally wrestling me, pinning me to the ground, and the umpire always gets to 10.
There seems to be none of this two steps forward, one step back BS. I feel like I am taking zero steps forward, and then every so often my body sucker punches me back ten steps. Ok, that might be an over-exaggeration but I am sure the frustration level would still be the same if it was that drastic.

I am frustrated.

There. I said it. Sometimes you can't be up-beat and positive, and today is one of those days when my cup is empty. I have been battling with my knees for a couple of years now and that makes exercise a pain in the bum. There are days when it hurts to walk, and then there are days that they feel fine. I can jump around in a combat class one evening, and wake up fine; other days I can have done a bit of walking around campus and be woken up by the pain. WTF man?! I have had X-ray's and MRI's done in the past week and nothing came up on them which, on one hand is great as it means there is no structural damage, but on the other, it is so unbelievably frustrating. I like to have a problem to solve but this isn't one of them. I did physical therapy for 4 months while I was in America last year, and that barely did anything. Now, I am heading back to the physio again. I am hoping and crossing both my fingers and toes that maybe this time something will come of it.

When you have PCOS and know that the one thing you can do about it, the one thing you can gain some semblance of control over, is diet and exercise. I love to work-out, get sweaty, lift weights, the whole enchilada, so when my body prevents me from doing this, it feels like a failure. Yet again, my body is fighting me on two fronts; joints and organs. Cue me feeling frustrated and reaching for the nearest Bounty or packet of maltesers. I'm aware these aren't Paleo...

While I was at the gym today, I could feel the tears starting. Yep, I have been that idiot who cries while working-out before, and today I almost did it again. For the past couple of days my shoulder has been giving me some discomfort and it has been preventing me doing my already-adapted-to-suit-my-old-lady-knees-though-I-am-only-21-routine. The eyes were welling up and all those other problems that are in your life right now join in on the fun; my body is determined to make me cry.

Then I paused. Maybe my body isn't fighting me. Maybe I am fighting my body. They are similar, but definitely not the same. I should be doing more listening, and less pushing. Why did I go to the gym when I knew my shoulder was hurting me? That is setting me up for a mental and physical failure. My body was telling me to rest and I ignored it because I had to burn those calories. Rest has always felt like a failure, and thoughts of failure lead to eating foods that I shouldn't be eating, which leads to failure on the weight side, which leads to failure at the gym...and so the cycle continues. Therefore my goal 

I think I need to spend some time listening. I have proved to be very good at overriding my body and that is why we are in this constant push and pull relationship. I have taken my body doing this as it telling me "This is as good as you are going to get. Ha." when actually it could be saying "You will be better. But this won't happen tomorrow."

Grrrreat Granola

This week has been a mix of successes and failures.
Failure- Ate far too much chocolate with a friend while hiding from all the loved up couples on Valentine's Day and watching various Nathan Fillion films. I love him.
Success- Got a really good plan set up for my dissertation. I now know what I am doing!
Failure- I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet this morning. Fished it out, washed it, about to put it in my mouth when I had a change of heart! I need a new toothbrush.
Success- Made a Ratatouille from my new Paleo Slow Cooker recipe book. Delicioso.
Failure- Got lost on campus, at midnight, trying to get to the bus stop. I have been at this University since 2009.
Success- Managed to up my weights quite significantly in the gym. In particular my triceps and chest press. Woohooo!

I'm finding it hard to stay on track with the eating side of things. I keep reaching for 10p sweets or Lindor chocolate eggs. Eugh Easter candy. I have decided to come up with a list of foods that are 'Worth It' and 'Not Worth It' to help me stay on plan and not feel guilty. For example, artificial crap like haribo sweets are definitely NOT worth it. I don't even really like them! They are just an instant sweetness to pop in your mouth aimlessly. A square or two of dark chocolate with some sea salt is worth it. I'll keep working on it and give you a peek at my list once i'm done.

Tried another new recipe today...Pumpkin Paleo Granola which I found on the fabulous PaleOMG website that I religiously follow. Juli is hilarious and so down to earth! Go check out her blog. You won't regret it. I wanted something a bit different for breakfast that wasn't focused on spinach and eggs in various ways. I am a bit dubious as to whether it will keep me satisfied as there is no protein in it but I shall give it a go. I can always have a side of boiled eggs or something!
Here is my finished product:

Crunchy, pumpkiny, thanksgivingy, lovely. Great with coconut milk too!